This is not a book about lesbians.

In fact, it’s not really a book about women either.

But because it deals with gender, stereotyping, and sexual assault, I think it’s a ToughxCookies read.  So let me explain.

I love Laurie Halse Anderson.  Wait, let me say that again so that you understand: I love Laurie Halse Anderson.  She is the woman who wrote Speak, the [brilliant] young adult novel that won tons of awards and garnered a lot of praise back in the early 2000’s.  If you haven’t read it yet, you must (although I must warn you of sexual assault triggers) because it’s phenomenal.  Within a couple of months of reading it, I read everything else that Anderson had written – Prom, Catalyst, and Winter Girls – although I saved Twisted for last.  It had a male narrator.  And not that I have anything against male narrators (some of my favorite books of all time – The Catcher in the Rye, The Little Prince, The Great Gatsby, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, to name a few – have male narrators), but I do tend to have something against gender role switching: when a female writes a book from a male perspective, or vice versa.  Something about it lacks authenticity to me, and I tend to find it forced.  So I waited to read Twisted.  And recently, I finally picked it up.

Within a few pages, I knew I’d write a ToughxCookies article on it – not because it was good, but because I thought it sucked.  I sighed as I pressed myself to continue reading, finding myself annoyed with how “male” the narrator was, and wishing that Anderson didn’t feel it was necessary to make him out to be a chauvinist (the beginning of the novel focuses on his feelings – in his head, and in his pants – about the girls’ tennis team as he watches them participate in a car wash) in order to make him a believable teenage boy.  I was pissed about the gender stereotyping (as men as explicitly, always sexual), and I knew I wanted to write an article on how frustrating it is that both men and women are so obviously, boringly stereotyped, especially from the point-of-view of the other sex.  I wanted to write about how disgusted I was.  I wanted to write about how offended I was.  Hell, I wanted to write a letter to Laurie Halse Anderson herself.

But then I kept reading.

And as the novel went on, I came to learn that the main character, Tyler, was extremely complicated, as well as really conflicted about what it means to be a “man.”  He was stuck somewhere between being the “good guy” and being the “bad guy,” and while he wasn’t sure which he was, no one else did either.  Having gone from being “Nerd Boy” to getting busted (and arrested!) for spraypainting his high school, no one in his life was sure who he was anymore – not his parents, not his best friend, not his schoolmates, and certainly not the girl of his dreams, popular and beautiful Bethany Milbury.  And reading about his confusion about himself was very realistic, because I think that we all suffer with that: trying to figure out who we are (as gendered beings and as LGBT folk), away from the labels that our society and our circles put on us.  And when things started to pick up with Bethany, I was really happy for Tyler, and I found his constant wait-shit-what-should-I-do feelings really endearing.

And then, while I was at the laundromat, something horrible happened to Tyler in the book, and honestly?  I felt like the entire world fell away, and I just kept reading and reading and reading, ignoring that the spin cycle was over, because I needed to find out what happened to him in the end.  “No, Tyler, no, Tyler, no,” kept going in circles in my head, and I just wanted him to be okay!

Because after a really confusing incident at a house party (where a very drunk Bethany asked Tyler to have sex with her, but he told her no because it was wrong, and then later took her home to ensure her safety), Tyler was accused of taking naked pictures of the girl of his dreams and posting them on the Internet.  And all hell broke loose – both at school, and at home – as everyone was convinced that this poor, innocent boy was guilty of the charges held against him.  And as rumors spiraled out of control, so did Tyler’s life, because he had been stereotyped as a bad guy, as a deviant, as an animal.  And so he lost everything.

And I am so glad that Laurie Halse Anderson wrote this novel, because it’s a situation that we tend to ignore, especially as feminists: that actually, sometimes people really are innocent.  And even though Bethany never accused him of sexual assault, everyone else did, and his life was completely ruined over something that he never even did.  I’ve read a few articles in the past few months about this concept, particularly on college campuses: do we assume that men accused of sexual assault are guilty, or does “innocent until proven guilty” apply here, too?  And I think that it’s a wildly complicated issue, because either way, you risk screwing someone over: assuming that she’s lying is horrendous, but assuming that he did it is terrible, too.  So what do we do?

Twisted gave me a lot of insight into an issue that I don’t tend to worry about as much as I should.  And it’s incredible to see the versatility that Anderson has, considering the plot and themes in Speak.  Amazingly, she managed to tell two sides of a similar story, both convincingly.

So I urge you to read it.

Because it’s one of those books that I feel like I just can’t get over, and I’m staring at the next book on my to-read list, sitting patiently on the shelf, and I want to tell it, “Wait.  I’m just not ready for you yet.”

There is a cop-out answer. Sexuality is a fluid thing that can change on a whim; our language simply can’t explain it. Omnisexual, trisexual, pansexual -- these words are too complex, yet not detailed enough to describe me.

So what am I?

I am a fraud. 

I don’t know if many people know this, but I love R&B. Not just the R&B of today either, but the R&B of the late 80’s and early 90’s, too -- Boys II Men, 112, Jagged Edge, Jesse Powell, Toni Braxton, and so on.  And speaking of Jagged Edge, there’s a song by him that I absolutely just love, “Let’s Get Married.”  I will listen to this song all day, everyday.  I will break it down, do a dance, and sing my lungs out to this song.  But I fucking hate the lyrics. And honestly, the more I listen to it, the angrier I get about it, so I can’t listen to the song too many times, for the sake of my blood pressure. What makes me angrier, still, is that this song was realized with the intention that women all over the world will love this, because it’s speaking to every woman’s dream. Because, really, what woman doesn’t want to get married? (Insert my “get fucking real” face here.)

To help you understand my anger, though, I’m going to break the lyrics down for you, like so:

1. Okay. First of all, why is he assuming that no one else would tell her this? Why is he assuming he is the first man that proposed to her? Shoot, a playa could have proposed to this woman before, and she turned him down because he was a player. It irritates me that he feels like he is the first person she’s influenced with her amazing woman-ness that he wants to “be real” and say what’s on his heart. Like, relax, dude, you’re not the only good, honest man out there.  Calm the fuck down.

2.  “Let’s take this chance and making this love feel relevant?”  REALLY!? The love wasn’t relevant before the marriage proposal? Are you trying to say that before someone gets married, their love isn’t relevant? I’m sorry, but true love is true love before and after the marriage. You’re going to be going through the same love, hard times, and ups and downs both married, and unmarried, so I don’t understand what you think the marriage is making relevant here.

3.  “Who knew we’d make it this far?” If you’re this surprised about how far the relationship went before it was “relevant,” how are you going to feel after it starts getting relevant? If you had so little faith about where it would have gone, and you’re surprised how long it’s lasted, how long is this marriage going to last? Excuse my Glozell moment, but this is absolutely ridiculous. “And I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” Who says you’re not going to lose her after you’re married? She’s allowed to file for a divorce, too, if she doesn’t like the way it’s working out after everything gets all heavy and relevant! I want to know, though, why he assumes that getting married will somehow chain her to him, and she’d never be able to leave him.

And it continues.

(1) Meet me at the altar in your white dress
We ain't getting no younger; we might as well do it
(2) Been feeling you all the while, girl, I must confess
Girl, let's just get married; I just want to get married

1.  “Meet me in the altar in your white dress.” First off all, ignoring the command that he’s giving her, why is he assuming that she is going to wear white? Seriously? I mean, granted, he might not be aware that there are other colors for wedding dresses. After all, the stigma is that the bride wears white to symbolize her purity and her virginity. So obviously, she has to wear white, because duh, she’s pure and virginal. Why are you assuming this, man?  Why!? But he does think that he’s the first person to ever propose to her, so he probably also thinks that he’s the only guy who approached her, ever.

2.  This is the part that pisses me off the most. What? “We ain’t getting no younger, we might as well do this?” So, do you really want to get married, or do you feel as if time is running out for you, so better seal the deal with somebody, so you might as well settle down with the pure virgin, yeah? I mean, I don’t know if I’m just ignorant, but I wasn’t aware I needed to get married by a certain time, and that if I didn’t, I better find a man -- and fast. “Been feeling you all the while, girl?” I’m sorry, but “feeling you” is something you say to some girl you are chilling with that you want to start dating. “Hey, I’ve been feelin’ you, and I want to see if we could have something.” Does this guy even know this girl he’s proposing to? Is she someone he met at a coffee shop that he’s proposing to? These lyrics, man, they just wrong.

And here we go again.

1.  He’s done it all, but he’s tired of this emptiness. Well, see sir, psychologically, it is not healthy to go looking for a person to fill in the emptiness in your life.  This is something that needs to be worked out with your shrink. And also, what if she’s just not ready to start “making love” to just you?  What if she still wants to see what’s out there?

2.  I don’t even understand this -- finish what? Is he talking about the marriage being the finish, being the end? That’s cheerful, isn’t it? “And did you think about maybe us having some babies?” What if she didn’t? What if she didn’t want to have kids, and clearly this wasn’t discussed before because he’s asking now. It sounds romantic that he wants kids, but at the same time, it implies that she should want to have kids, while his wanting to have kids is so spectacular and special, she must settle down with him.

I’m sorry for the rant, but from the beginning of the song to the very end is a stereotype for both men and women.  It implies (or outright says) that it’s a big deal if men want to settle down and get married; while for women, it’s just a given that they want and expect marriage. It shows both men and women in a stereotypical light, in my honest opinion.

The lyrics also touch on the ideal that there is this time period when people must get married, or if you reach a certain time in your relationship, or if you have been dating for a certain time, you must get married. While, I, personally, do want to get married, that’s a personal idea, and it’s not because I’m a woman, and it’s not because I think I need it, because by some feeling of emptiness that I need filled with a man.

The problem I have with this song is the implication that it’s every woman’s dream that someone would want some man to sing this to them. It’s the implication made from the beginning of the song that no other “playa” would tell her this, but he’s going to be real. It’s the implication that the lyrics would seem appealing to a lot of people (in this case women), because women want something or someone like this.

While this song is pretty old, I know a lot of people who want this to be played at their wedding. Honestly, before I really thought about the lyrics, I wanted to play it at my wedding, too. And it’s this mentality that I wish would die out. The idea that, as women, marriages and weddings is what all women eventually need for “relevancy.”

Now I’m pissed off. I need some R&B.

I have to chime in on the weight/diet culture discussion, because there are a few things I don’t quite understand. My particular motivation for thinking of this came not only from previous ToughxCookies articles, and my own sizableness, but I feel as though the Victoria Secret Fashion Show lit a fire under me as well. I can whole-heartedly say my interest in the fashion show comes from my overwhelming desire to witness Kanye West at every possible opportunity, and really, not in the least because of any of the girls, “clothes,” or other musical acts. I tried to find the entertainment in it, while I patiently awaited Yeezy, but I struggled. Whereas I figured I could take this at face value, I became bothered at how quickly this show became a trending topic on my Facebook feed. Not surprisingly, many of us were watching. However, I did find myself intrigued by the myriad of rationales from my female Facebook friends. Some were interested in the fashion, some also tuning in to see hip hop infiltrate this venue; however, very few used the show as a tool of self-worth measurement.

Originally, I found this surprising. Until, upon further glance, I noticed a pattern emerging. Anyone commenting on the fashion show as some sort of question of their own physique was what I would refer to as a “big” girl. Personally, I don’t get along well with the terms fat, obese, or BBW. I generally prefer the term “big” or “thick” to describe someone over size 14. That said, I was simultaneously proud of and perplexed by these big girls not completely attacking themselves as a result of these mostly nude prime time models. I began to think: does this plague us “big girls?” Do most big girls wish they could prance around in these outfits, be regarded sex objects, or fit into our society’s ideal of beauty? Or are we impenetrable? Has big girl culture advanced enough that we love ourselves for who we are? Okay. That’s a utopian take on it. How about: are we, as bigger girls, immune to or less affected by these pressures, because we are perceived as so far outside the standard to begin with?

I can only speak for myself. Shows like the aforementioned and America’s Next Top Model used to have me lounging in front of the TV, stuffing Oreos in my face. I don’t think it was ever a matter of “I can’t be like that, so I’ll just go overboard,” but it wasn’t truly a “I’m so fly, I’m not counting the amount of cookies I inhale.”  I may have fronted as though it was the latter, but that attitude lent to further negativity. For most of my life, I thought you couldn’t fit enough soul into less than 150 pounds. Most smaller girls I knew were vapid, unintelligent, or uninteresting to me (think: the model stereotype).  Was this really the case, or was this a case of chubb goggle bias? I won’t ever really know. But, this mindset became extremely detrimental and ultimately led to more pounds than I’d care for, because I never wanted to be “that.” Thankfully, I’ve grown up (and out). I’ve met and befriended numerous thin, fit, smaller (please read whichever term you are most comfortable with) women who are full of swag, soul, and intellect. And I’ve run into my fair share of chubby bitches. So, I no longer correlate personality traits with physical size.

 But, I still don’t get it

Are we proud of who we are? Is big girl culture on the rise? When we see fashion shows, ultra-thin models, advertisement after advertisement telling us to change something about ourselves, do we say “eff that?” Or do these things still tear at us, and we just have more to break down?

Are there others like me that occasionally take endless pleasure out of someone looking us up and down, and then realizing they have a skinny girlfriend? Is this a big girl victory? Or my complete cynicism and bias creeping up again?

This is particularly on my mind at this time of year. While our society may argue that the one time of the year to be most worried about these things is bikini season, I would disagree. Some of us have to lose those ten vanity pounds per year to get in a bathing suit, some of us simply don’t own one, others are gonna rock it out on the beach no matter what size they are. It’s this time of year I see us most hard on ourselves about how much junk we eat, everything we indulge in, and ultimately, if we want to change ourselves.

So, with the New Year in mind, let’s decide … big girls unite? Love where we’re at? Or, aspire for a smaller jean size?