23 January 2012
(Guest Submission) The Fraud
06:00 | 
Posted by
ToughxCookies
By Em Andrews
Note: The following is a guest article. If you've got something smart or sassy to say, we want to hear it! Check out the Guest Submissions link for more information.
I live with my partner, who is a man (despite his affinity for Lady Gaga), with our daughter in a modest slum apartment. We have been together forever. I truly believe he is my soul mate; we were meant to be together. But I would be hard-pressed to find another man that I feel this passionate about.
Yes, I am a fraud straight person. Other than my first boyfriend in kindergarten (I had to share him with my best friend because she liked him; he was cute and had red hair,) and a tryst with an Aryan-looking man while my darling partner and I were having “issues,” I have never felt 100% comfortable or attracted to another man. There is something about my man that is passionate and caring. I can be myself around him. I think he’s gorgeous, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My kindergarten love had red hair, so I attribute my love for him to that, along with my young, misplaced optimism. The Aryan guy showed up during a period in my life where I felt very vulnerable, so I think he just had good (or bad) timing, rather than him have something special. Before you think me some anti-sexual deviant, I do have to say that I love women.
Yes, I love women. I love breasts. I love my own breasts. They bounce and jiggle and make things right in the world. The right pair of bodacious boobies could bring the world together. Women are wonderful, comforting, and hot. I love lesbian porn, and I belong to a group whose sole purpose is for straight women to exchange naked photos with one another. It’s wonderful and liberating.
I am a straight fraud. I feel so uncomfortable around men. There are very few that I find attractive (Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr. are obviously on the list of exceptions, along with my darling husband), and I prefer the company and bodies of women.
I am a lesbian fraud. My first serious relationship was with a woman. We were both in high school, and we were certain we loved each other, despite our parents’ objections. We had sex. She was upset that I still considered myself a virgin afterwards. I wasn’t sure what to consider myself at all. I wasn’t attracted to any other women other than her, and when we had sex, I was definitely the more passive one. I had a lot of guys hit on me in that period, way more than what would have hit on me before, because, with a woman, I was “hot.”
Years later, I met a woman in college. We were close friends at first, but it somehow evolved to where we were expressing our sexuality in different ways, whether it was together or with other men. We were both the dominant ones, treating any men like pawns because we knew the power in the sexual expressiveness of lesbian women who were straight. It got them every time. However, we never slept together. We were playing around with the limits of what we could do in public. I can’t speak for her, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the power it gave me, and yes, I was a little horny.
I was typing on a forum once, and a woman said she was “sick” of people like me. She hated it when “straight” girls would play around like a lesbian without taking any of the responsibility (responsibility?) of being one. She said I should choose a position and get on with it. As a lesbian, she was offended by my actions.
But what was my position? That person obviously put me in the “straight” category because I am now with a man, plan on being with him for the rest of my life, and just recently had a child together. I could be a lesbian. I do prefer women physically, but I am happy with my husband. I may be pegged as a bisexual, since I have had, in the past, sex with both men and women. But I have read articles on this as well, where you really aren’t a bisexual unless you are continuously having relationships with both sexes. And I am simply too tired.
There is a cop-out answer. Sexuality is a fluid thing that can change on a whim; our language simply can’t explain it. Omnisexual, trisexual, pansexual -- these words are too complex, yet not detailed enough to describe me.
So what am I?
I am a fraud.
Living in Alberta, Canada with her daughter and husband, Em Andrews has an English degree from Athabasca University. She just started getting into the zine world; her first zine is Beautiful Banshee.
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I've often felt the same way. I was really relieved when I started dating my first girlfriend, because then I felt like I could defend my claim to be bisexual. I feel like an interloper at Pride events, because I'm marrying a man and thus get to access a lot of straight privilege, even though I'm also openly bi and non-monogamous. I try to stay mindful of that, that Kinsey 5s and 6s don't have the same options that I have, and I don't ever try to set myself up as a serious contender in the Oppression Olympics (although being weirdly in-between has its own disadvantages.) But I also don't let anyone tell me I don't have the right to define or express my sexuality, or that it should be different than what it is.
I understand! As a woman primarily attracted to women but in a committed relationship with a man, feeling like a fraud is also my experience. Society limits identities to little boxes, and communities build around these boxes, and the "in-betweens" get left out. Heaven forbid I want to go to a bar - I *hate* the culture in "straight" bars, and I am not welcome at gay bars. If I say I have a "partner" and leave it at that, that's when F R A U D flashes in neon in my brain. But we're not frauds - you don't need to be negative toward yourself because of the terminology imposed on us. I use "queer" because I feel queer in any community. If you don't find a word you like, you could stick with a good 'ol, "Fuck you - I'm me". Who needs an explanation unless they're looking for a personal conversation, anyway?
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